everyone's a comedien

My brother wrote a stand-up routine. I have a brother. He's the one that didn't show up in an earlier post because he almost didn't show up in time for my visit. Here are some highlights (in my humble opinion) of the jokes that might almost make him famous.

Man, I remember growing up.... Today what happens, you scrape your knee you get antiseptic, anti infection, a tetinous shot and a band aid. Back in the day you get a “Well better be more careful next time”. If you weren’t gushing blood nobody cared. Or if you did cut yourself my dad would clean it off with that greasy yellow slime that mechanics used to wash their hands, and it always has oil streaks through it from the last guy who used it. After you wash the wound with penzoil 10W 30, they put that orange stuff on it. Nobody knew the healing power of this particular liquid, we just know it burnt like hell.

Nothing is considered safe anymore and if you want anything remotely dangerous, you have to fill out paperwork, be a legal U.S. citizen, of age, and suffer through a 3 day waiting period. My brother when he was 4 years old almost cut his thumb off with a hatchet. Let me repeat that for ya, MY BROTHER, AT AGE 4 ALMOST CUT HIS THUMB OFF WITH A HATCHET. This was 1985, a person who can barely put sentences together severs his finger with a kid sized axe. Basically all my dad said after the bleeding stopped was, “It was his first time using that hatchet, I hope he learned his lesson.”

I remember, from what my parents told me, that when I was 3 years old I set my bedroom floor on fire by putting crayons into a toaster oven. Appliances today have all these gadgets on them to try and prevent anyone from injuring themselves, but 20 years ago a 3 year old kid could commit arson with some colored wax and a mini kitchen.

Kids today have child proof Tupperware containers for corrosive and hazardous materials. Do you remember what we had? Mr. Yuck stickers. That’s right that little green face meant DON’T TOUCH!!! But they never worked, one because they were always half scratched off anyway, and I basically just referred to them as Mr. Curiosity.

I was a middle child growing up though. Well I guess I still am. I have one older brother and 2 younger sisters. So my brother and my younger sister would always get new everything. New clothes, new toys, and I was stuck with my brother's hand me downs. So there I was going into 6th grade with a faded ninja turtles T shirt and some acid wash jeans. I can’t complain though, I love my brother, we had a lot of fun growing up. We lived on a farm, miles from anyone and neither of us were cool so we didn’t have any friends, so my brother was my best friend. It was great though, he always included me. My brother and I would always invent things, like booby traps. And my brother, being the smart, considerate and cautious brother that he was, knew that in order to ensure the success of said inventions we would have to test them. Yeah he included me big time. “Hey Matt, stick your foot in this rope and I’ll release the counterweight.” Wooosh. “Great that one works, now get down so we can test the next one.”

But growing up with few friends and on a farm, we had a blast. We used to run around and try and jump the holes in the loft. We’d pretend to drive tractors, then we’d try and pretend that it wasn’t us who got it stuck in the mud. But being a small child in our generation and growing up on a farm was not the best combination. Some of my dad’s favorite sayings were; “You have small fingers, try and unscrew that bolt that’s lodged in the combine there. The darn thing won’t spin.” Or also “Your kinda tiny why don’t you climb up that small chute and unclog it so the grain falls down again.”

Oh, such a {insert your own adjective here} picture he paints. Takes me right back, it does. The funniest part for me is actually remembering many of those things and thinking how the truth is indeed stranger than fiction. And may even get you put in a foster home.

Thanks for the memories, Matt!